The Timeless Prophet

About the happiness part... Cara mia, don't be hard on yourself as I was periodically, consistently... I used to have high expectations for myself to always have happiness, joy, bliss-whatever, all positivity, at a constant background because I insisted that I dared to label myself as a strong optimist, that the debt of gratitude for my past, present, and prospective opportunities compared with the majority of the world called for such action (manipulation of psyche?).

But what I kept forgetting is that... both yin and yang are for us, for the entire humanity. How can I expect to smile and be in peace all the time when millions of kids are dying from the easily curable things? When there are things such as rape, wife battery, slavery, murder, torture, sex trafficking, ethnic genocide, child abuse or sweatshops under the disguise of modernization and industrialization? I am not saying we should feel bad for all these and even cry although they would also be okay if we choose to do so... but the thing is we too feel! we are human! It may not and doesn't have to fit into someone else's logic why we fall into a deep depression for an argument/fight with a sister...or why&how we develop obsessions about self-image, confidence, and even hope for the future...How could pushing aside and even neglecting our invisible wounds help us overcome the pain and possibly those of others? So if and when we decide to deal with such, should we choose guilt, shame, irritation or acceptance, sympathy, and even empathy?

I don't think I have ever shared a sample of Turkish music with you...let this be the first song. She is one of my favorite Turkish artists and this is one of her songs which says: ''Sometimes I will bloom sometimes I will wither away; I will laugh tomorrow if I am crying today.''


It doesn't always work on a day-turn schedule though :) haha. 
Patriarchal societies have such strict and unreachable bars of perfection for all but more for females that...not only do we torment ourselves mentally and physically we also hamper each other's natural rights and prosperity in so called civilized rat races. These last two comments seem vague and expansive but it could be extensive to all facets of our human interactions.


When the time comes, I will tell you more about how I dealt with arriving 'here' (maybe I was just twirling around myself the whole time) but I can say that emotionally I have jumped over the fence left and right, way too far onto the edges as often as seasons and day times change.


We all go through it dear N, some prefer or are expected to keep a poker face though...


Don't ask yourself to be happy at all times. Let yourself cry, let yourself get angry but remember that you deserve to forgive to walk freely... Dream a little dream. 'Eat, Love, Pray' :)


You see, happiness comes and goes...sorrow exists to accompany its counterpart just perfectly. How can we understand others' frustration, anger, hopelessness, pessimism, and dark sides if we cling onto positive only?
Wouldn't that make us egoist and self-centered? Oh trust me, I recently started thinking about these more thoroughly, specifically after reading ''The monk who sold his Ferrari''.
I read about long living, super healthy, intelligent and positive monks who live in isolated, high peaks of the Himalayas who also never leave their virgin soils for anyone or anything...then near the end of the story, I said to myself: ''Allright this does fascinate me but what good would it make an individual to live life painted in neon pink if he/she/it can not see the joy in the eyes of a new mother, make a kid laugh with a silly joke, help out the homeless, cook for the poor, or simply cry over a book?...


When A and I received your text about finding you inspirational quotes, we were actually reading a great book I checked out from the library...We instantly decided that it was just the right book to share with you. The prophet by Khalil Gibran.
 
Inhale, exhale. Check the pulse of Mother Nature. Disregard time. Feel strong, feel weak. Can you feel these two as one, reciprocally? One Love.

Movinn' All da people Movinn' -Macaco

Aaah, it took 4 full days but I am done with moving! I thought living in a studio would make it all better, easier, and far from a hassle. I was slightly wrong, it took a day to pack because I hurried my ass up quite a lot!


Here in Tr people don't sell moving boxes like they do in the U.S. so I had to beg a few supermarkets to spare a couple of broken, torn boxes which I taped all around to actually make boxes.EAY was the only around to help out but he is approaching finals, the season just began for American football, he is the defense captain, he has a new gf whom he tries to occupy his mind with, etc..
so the fact that he helped me carry all that heavy stuff back n forth the long trips is sooooooo precious! I will always remember this help.

The part I did on my own though definitely made me regret owning shit! Seriously...

After we got all done and rushed to his school,I was waiting on him to leave class, sipping on my coffee and thinking: 'Why should I own pots n pans, curtains, extra shoes, many clothes, and annoying little accessories if and when I do not have a settlement yet, in other words I do not know where I will choose to live on a long term basis (or will I ever), psh not even where I will complete my master's!'

So basically I am tired of moving around and seeing all these materials be dragged around me. Having experienced this short phase in Ankara really helped me put things into new perspective. The cloud which I fancied was my philosophy dropped on earth, dissolved, and resolidified itself with love and patience during the few lonely months that I spent here.
Now I wait calmly in EAY's house for roads to be cleared out of heavy snow so I can go to Istanbul, rest on my aunt's knees and defy the long hours with mind blowing readings.

Everywhere is covered in white; the clear skies add a sweet breezy touch to this harmony. Yeah sure, the scene outside is gorgeous but I stay my ass inside being warm for today. Can you believe a truck and a bus have badly crashed due to icy snow last night on the Ankara-Istanbul route? I am glad EAY asked me to write an essay for him instead :P

My cousin ET who was in Cappadocia yesterday gave me a phonecall and we had a quick talk about my favorite (for now) turkish city Cappadocia and life in general. She told me now that she is older (wiser I'd say), she only aims to grow memories instead of riches, that she appreciated her sister's birthday cash by hopping on a hot air balloon to enjoy the nature's gift under her feet. I told her of my pride for carrying such mentality...


I surely hope that we are always able to sit back on our rocking chairs and smile at our pasts, reminiscing on all the spontaneous, unusual, silly, meaningful memories built with peace and love. Let me tell you something else: before beginning this e-mail I thought about early death; without hesitation I knew I wouldn't mind it or be intimidated by it. (not forever though hah!)
No matter how often it is repeated all around the world, as also done in the movie Dead Poets Society, Carpe Diem does not sound cheesy to my ears.

I understand what you mean about not wasting any more time even if some others may argue that it's the logical thing to hold on to a secure (?) job. I definitely feel you. Just make sure that you do listen to that low inner voice you know. You gotta be sure that the drive is instinctive that you follow no societal ideals but your faithful passions instead. Whatever you end up deciding to do, you've got my support. Always remember this.

December 2010

Global Citizen

Here is the original link that inspired me to write this:

http://amreekandesi.com/2011/12/04/the-fob-who-became-an-abcd/

Now I should write up a tiny dictionary of the foreign terms I used up below:

-Desi: Usually refers to people from India, Pakistan, & Bangladesh
-Queen City: Official nickname for Charlotte, NC
-Halal: Generally meaning of acceptance to the Islamic practices
-Sky-high: Having used much of a narcotic substance
-Dahi batata puri: Popular Indian dish made of potatoes and yogurt

Here is the song I would like for you to watch after reading my message! :) it'll make sense then: Corinne Bailey Rae - Put Your Records On

Woahh! woah woah!
I kneww I was a Desi in disguise!
:) hehehe just kidding.
But it's crazy how I relate to all of it! I laughed so much at the joke of
finding an answer to 'How're you?' or 'how're ya doin?' To this frrreakin day I still give a full answer after judging how I am and all that. So crazy :)
By the time I say I am doing great thanks and u? The wall becomes humanized and walks away haha.No for real, I have experienced ALL of what she mentions except for .. nope I have reread it through and I have had every one of the things mentioned, as a foreign chick in the U.S. of A.
The fake laughters at the obscene, obnoxious jokes which frankly made me think 'oh crap, I'll never have a real laugh with them.'
Being disgusted by their choice of food for a long time, although I had arrived at 12 years of age when more susceptible to blending in, I kept packing my lunch which were always made fun of but I was afraid of eating some nasty, indistinguishable meat and smelly blur. Now that I know what they are, I can say that what scared me off were Pepperoni, gravy, hash browns, white buns, french fries, well all of it. :)
But then taste buds are introduced to the addicting chemical ingredients in the cheapest pick ups whether in grocery stores, school cafeterias, or restaurants.
I grew 6 years in looks in 6 months! *Sigh, shaking my head*
I was wow'ed when I saw our first rental townhouse in Charlotte thinking it was a mansion and the best place I had ever lived at! full carpeting, central cooling and heating, stairs haa, a dryer!, many bedrooms, and a garden..now I am aware that the neighborhood and the specific housing are of the ghettoest of fob ghettoes of our queen city. :)

Wanting to fit in for several years through ages 12 to 16...up until UNCC happened and I found myself dedicated to studying International Studies (THE main chapter of my positively evolving life)

During those 4-5 years of feeling a loss of identity..I jumped on the Halloween wagon, even tried to force the derogatory humor on my senses, paid extra effort to erase off my accent, befriended shaniquoas, shaquondas, taes, albertos, marias and lawandas, (only attended minority populated schools and I'm very glad I did so :D) but...I still longed for the once familiar attitude of: 'F. the rigidness of your need for privacy, I'm sleeping over and kissing you, my friend, in public as innocently as children are' kinda friendships and fantasized a culturally superior motherland... (Oh crap!)
I too did the tear-shedding at the sound of our national anthem, listened and watched every movie and song that came my way, frequented the halal markets to find some rotten and overpriced Turkish goods, consistently made comparisons between the U.S. and Turkey that most oftenly reinforced the stereotypes that were thrown in my face...

Then the more vacation times I spent in Turkey plus the study abroad in Istanbul came along my way.I was called the American based on my endeavors, my motherland was no longer the same neither in the physical sense nor in my own flexibly fragile perception. Places and preferences in general grew more americanized every day while kids, teens, adults alike struggled to find their balance in stance against/for this americanization biased global new world that infected the cultural, social, popular, economic, and political spheres of their lives with 'renovation'...I felt lonely, lost, confused, disappointed in the hypocrisy, the world (dis)order, and mainly in myself...
I had tried to form a bridge between the two lands and I wanted to be this awesomer-than jamaican runner who could be at either side exemplifying perfection of both lands striving for success and prosperity.

As I finished polishing the wheels of my bike and actually got on the road of my cultivating ride, I noticed my left and right more clearly, the sun shone so bright that I had to blink a little more, I might have even shed some wind-blown tears, I saw the ugly and the beautiful on both sides. I decided to stroll along,
nevertheless  it was 'my' own personal ride after all. I could always look up to the sky when I chose to see nothing else. My bird-chirping, forested, planted path under the rain-or-shine rainbowed sky led me through exciting curves with bumps here and there. Dance performances for my sky-high Caribbean buddies, finding crazy inspiration in a Jewish prof, finding a piece of my heart in Cuba, being ashamed of the gigantic cruise ships along the poor Nassau shores, full-heartedly going to spicy Spain to return broken-heartedly after facing super densely scattered homelessness, the desensitization towards the exhaustive prostitution that seemed to serve 24/7 and the explicit segregation within public spaces...think think think. How to do..what to see.

Ignorance? Acknowledgement? Acceptance? Avoidance? Judgement? Complaints? or Compliance?!


I woke up one day.. It was sunny and pretty warm as I always prefer it. "3 little birds sat on my window and they told me I don't have to worry". I said to myself: hold up now miss Marwa Merve Mervina Ela eey ey Elita Chinita Sofia, if this is the world that shelters us all despite of conflicts and disaccords there must be an overwhelming much of connect-the-dots! Let's visit history lane from even before I learned how to ride a bike (which I confess is very recent) and look at the beauuuutifully humane... you know? what gives us that everlasting energy to shine, rise up, and hope for serenity. A nude hunter-gatherer in Papua New Guinea, a Steve Jobs-worshipping overachiever in
Chicago, or synthesis of freedom fighter/doctor in Kashmir...there definitely is a natural yet magical stream of interdependent humanity to welcome us in front of or behind each door.


I freed myself from the need to belong. I ripped several of my titles and labels. I burned the bridge!

Oh how liberating it is to use different modes of transportation. Thanks to technological advances, there's airway that crosses the oceans :) and I get to 'borrow' the bikes of the folks on lands to explore. Now to speak of actual bikes, motorbikes, or else-what's the point of ownership anyways when you can alternatively worry not of insurance, theft, and clingy materials!
I don't fit in anymore and this usually means alienation and isolation from the old folks and new ones passing through waving and saluting for a short minute. Though it sure does get easier to point out and meet the sky-huggers over time.

Aahahha I just thought of how I convinced a Chinese buddy to go order 'festival in his mouth' at an Indian cafe! (dahi batata puri) Globalization isn't much that bad after all. :)
I could go on forever with this; the whole cultural and global unity/disunity thing is very fascinating to me.I hope I didn't bore or tire you!
Pardon, Perdon, Désolé, Khēda, Jālikaramaina.

Bittersweet

In my hallucination

I saw my beloved's flower garden
In my vertigo, in my dizziness
In my drunken haze
Whirling and dancing like a spinning wheel

I saw myself as the source of existence
I was there in the beginning
And I was the spirit of love
Now I am sober
There is only the hangover

And the memory of love
And only the sorrow
I yearn for happiness
I ask for help
I want mercy

And my love says:
Look at me and hear me
Because I am here
Just for that

I am your moon and your moonlight too
I am your flower garden and your water too
I have come all this way, eager for you
Without shoes or shawl

I want you to laugh
To kill all your worries
To love you
To nourish you

Oh sweet bitterness
I will soothe you and heal you
I will bring you roses
I, too, have been covered with thorns


Mawlana Jalaluddin Rumi

Göçebe Kimdir?

Ben bir aile ortamında büyümedim. Süreklilik duygusundan yoksun büyüdüm. Hayat hep kopuşlarla örüldü. Sanıyorum bir yanım her zaman göçebe oldu ve hep göçebe kalacak. Kimi insan vardır kabuğundan çıktı mı panikler. Oysa beni şimdi buradan alıp hiç bilmediğim bir memlekete bıraksalar ben bir şekilde yolumu bulur, ayaklarımın üstünde dururum. Çünkü artık bende hayvani bir içgüdüye dönüşmüş durumda göçebelik. Sürekli aynı yerde kalmak zorunda olmak esaret gibi geliyor bana. Gidebileyim ki, dönmeyi başarabileyim.
Bir yere ebediyen kök salamıyorum.
Bu sanat için iyi, sanatçı için yıpratıcı bir şey.
Bu dengesizlikten dengeleniyorum ben.
Göçebelik sanat için iyi çünkü sürekli yeni yeni yerlerden, başka başka kültürlerden besleniyorsunuz. Ama sanatçı için yıpratıcı çünkü hiçbir zaman ayağınızın altındaki zeminden emin olamıyorsunuz. Korunaklı bir evreniniz yok. Bu sayede algılarım açık kalıyor hep ama bu yüzden daha endişeli bir insan oluyorum belki de. Çok kültürlülüğü, çoğulluğu, kozmopolitliği çok önemsiyorum.



Elif Şafak

Lentil soup lovin' :)

From 21 September 2006

You are so right about not rushing love. Love just comes along; we should just recognize and accept it naturally... For me, true love can be as close as loving my niece and nephew. They love me back, purely! It is amazing to see how much of an impact I can have on their personality...

Or it can be that I love lentil soup. I love the way it makes me feel when it is cold outside and I am feeling somewhat lonely... Yes, loving someone as a life partner is much different but in the meantime I believe people should not waste time by always searching... Nowadays everyone is sooo busy with their everyday tasks/responsibilities but for anyone! yes anyone life can be appreciative and rewarding. We just have to see deeper, more than just with two eyes..

The main reason for me to come here was to get my head straight. Life was just fine back in Charlotte but forcing myself to be on my own here really pushes me to think life over. At the moment I am searching for endless happiness... I am trying to avoid any disappointment; I know it is tough but I am confident. This time period is sort of an elongated meditation.